1. |
Plan A
01:54
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I never meant for things to get this way
I saw it coming but I just kinda hoped that it wouldn't happen
I didn't have a back up plan
Though I tried yeah I tried to make one
But it was plan A all the way
Now I'm counting down the days
Until I can't live with myself anymore
Until I can work up the courage
To end my own life
But right now the thought of my parents
Finding my lifeless body floating in the tub
Is enough for me to instead go out and get drunk
And maybe try to live the life I want
But that involves lots of doctors
And involves lots of drugs
And involves losing a whole lot of people that I love
But I mean it's not like things could get much worse because
It was Plan A all the way
Tell me what can I say
Forgive me dad forgive me mom
Forgive me please forgive me everyone
All I want is to not fuck up for once
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2. |
Trans Asterisk part 1
01:58
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How did all of this start
I remember being 8 and I remember praying in the dark
Hidden from the world
Under the covers begging God that I would wake up as a girl
Didn't know what it meant at the time
I had barely heard of "being trans"
But every time I'd play pretend
I'd pretend to be a woman
Whenever my mom was out
I would put on her high heels
And sometimes I'd even wear her panties
Fucking hell that's weird
I'd make the exact same wish
On every shooting star I saw
And I never told anyone
Cause why would I tell anyone
And nothing's changed since then
I'm still just a pathetic little kid
Wearing women's clothes in secret
Being sad I have a dick
I'll never "grow out of" this trans asterisk
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3. |
The Train One
02:18
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I wonder if she noticed
Now she's looking away
I check out the damage myself
Damn that's a pretty big stain
Roll my sleeve further down
Try to cover it up
It's still pretty graphic
I hope she's not squeamish, God that would suck
Longest train ride
Of my life
wishing I had
taken the central line
where there's not
this girl
In school uniform
Very intentionally
Not looking at me
I want to tell her that the razor was clean
I've got antiseptic at home and that I'm okay
I want to make sure she's doing alright
But instead all I do is stare at her face
I should learn to wait
I should leave this shit for home
I should not be seen in public when I'm
Bleeding under my clothes
I stand up
She stands up
Guess we share a stop
How funny is that
I start dripping
Onto the floor
Standing side by side
She stares straight at the doors
They open
I run out
Looks bad
But I don't really care right now
Leave the stations
I'll walk it from here
It's a couple miles
But it's better than sitting in fear
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4. |
Waiting for James
02:26
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This walk is too long and too cold
But the lights across the river look pretty
And they shimmer and they shine on the surface of the water
And the embankment isn't crowded at all
Got a while to kill so I sit and admire the scene
I feel the wind and I feel the trucks roll by
I feel the hair on my face, that crease in my shirt
And it hits me again that I'll never give birth
Tears don't come cause tears don't come
I kinda just unfocus and stare across the river
And the sky looks different now cause it's a little bit darker
There's less pink and the lights across the river seem brighter
I focus back in on my knees
I don't really have a problem with my knees
I look up and I can see my breath and see the bridge and see the boats
I can feel the cold air burning down my throat
Now it's night but there are no stars in the sky
Instead it's that brownish sludge colour
Same colour as that first night when we moved back to England
I was 6 and I can remember crying in bed
I'd be smoking right now if I could stand it
But cigarettes make me feel sick and they're so damn expensive
I watch the tide come in
And I can't do shit and it'll go back out again
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5. |
Headed Home
01:01
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Straight shot across the city
Putney all the way back to Hackney
It's half past midnight and the trains have closed
And all I want to be is home
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6. |
Go Me!
02:49
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I might have poor impulse control
I'm eating a lot nowadays and I think I might be starting to get fat
But still I can't start a conversation
Without planning it out beforehand
Sometimes I think that no one cares what I think
Sometimes I tell my mom what I want to be and all she does is laugh at me
I remember in the car the first time I told her I was trans
I'm not looking forward to when I have to tell her again
What do you want from me mom
I'm trying to get better, I'm trying to get along
I've stopped being argumentative all the time
And I've started to read
What do I have to do to show you I'm trying
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7. |
April 2016
00:59
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I ate plums at midnight alone on the kitchen floor
I said "I love you" to the sink but it didn't reply
My parents were away somewhere in the states
It's nights like these I wish that I could cry
I substituted tears for juice rolling down my chin
And I tried to slide the pits of the plums underneath the cat when I was done
I thought about stabbing myself with a kitchen knife
But that would have involved me getting up
How great would that feel though
Bleeding out onto the floor
Pyjama bottoms soaked in blood
And the cat eating my corpse
But instead it was cold
And I couldn't get to sleep
And I'm still alive
Oh woe is me
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8. |
The Blood One
01:39
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The blood doesn't come at first
Just the buzz and the hurt
The razor's not red
Didn't even get wet from the sweat
It just sort of appears
In a couple little tears
Dribbling towards my feet
Move away from the bed so it won't stain the sheets
Cut on my leg is gaping
Blood pouring out, thick red and sticky
The world is spinning round
Lean against the wall so I don't fall down
The cut twists and faces me
Contorts into a smile and starts to breathe
It grows some teeth
Opens its mouth and begins to speak
"Hey buddy let's get started on a party
I'm feeling a little bit lonely
Gotta get some balance since this side's a bit too heavy
Sucking up to invented OCD
Yeah you've maybe gone a bit too deep
But your family won't notice a thing
Just disguise it as misanthropy
Then we'll be free
It's not attention seeking if you don't let yourself be seen
It's not attention seeking if you lie about where you've been
It's not attention seeking if you are doing it in your dreams
It's not attention seeking if the ends justify the means"
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9. |
The Party Song
01:51
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Well if it's alright with you
Imma get really pretty drunk tonight
Cause it's not like any of these people are ever gonna see me again
Plus I guess I didn't really want to see them either
I feel as if I should feel that I'm not missing out
Cause whenever you guys get back from these things all you ever do is complain
Well I guess I wish sometimes I wish
I wish I had something to say
But I don't even talk that much more when I am drunk
I just talk about things that I'd rather not have talked about on reflection
But I'm not here to pull or make friends or even be entertained
I am here cause if I'm not I feel like I'm wasting my teenage years away
Oh now I feel this burn in my stomach and it hurts
And the small talk is making me nauseous
And I've said some dumb shit already and I know my reaction tomorrow is gonna be
"What the fuck was I thinking" so might as well
Keep drinking
Keep drinking
Keep pounding them away even while dawn breaks
Just keep drinking
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10. |
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Too much to drink and we're in Barnes somehow
We were on a bus and then we passed out
Got woken up, walked a bit and now we're looking at the bridge
Sitting on that ledge by the boathouse
The water looks nice tonight
We're talking about Narcissa Wright
And everything hits me at once and I start to cry
"I'll never have a period
Never use a tampon
I'll never call myself female cause
Everyone's convinced that that is factually wrong
I'll never breastfeed my kid
Never even give birth
I will never be a mother
What could be worse?"
How did this become my life
Every hour, every day transitioning pops into mind
This trans asterisk is now my world
All that's left for me to do is die or make myself a girl
Straight up
Never been this goddamn drunk
Pissin' up all night
And now I'm not sure that I'm gonna make it home alright
Never been this fucked in my life
Sorry mom I guess I'm still just a child
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11. |
Broken Headphones
02:58
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My headphones broke today
The second pair this year
The first was a Christmas present
That broke right around my birthday
So my Dad got me a second pair
Which has served me well up until today
When the right earphone stopped making sound
So now I'm stuck listening to the nightbus crowd
Trapped in hell
It's gonna be another hour back home at least
And I'm not feeling too well
This driver's got a real need for speed
Come on dude next to me
There's no reason to laugh that loud at anything
I'm getting less drunk by the second
And I need to pee
I can't take one more minute in here
I can't take one more minute in here
It's barely 3am and I can see the dawn, oh god
Dear Mom:
I've never been the best at finding the right words.
So to quote my favourite song: "the way I'm living is a temper tantrum".
And I don't want you to suffer because of me
I love you, Dad and Fergs more than anything.
I'm sorry for letting you down
I don't have much to say for myself but
Look I'm trying to never let this happen again
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7 Hour Darkness Invasion London, UK
sad tgirl from london/chicago living in york
Check out 7hdi-demos.bandcamp.com for
demos!
c/w: there's a lot of shit about blood/trans stuff/suicide/alcoholism in all my albums
header is a comment from pornhub user "ilovecollegegirls" on an fpov vid
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